I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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