She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I smell like Dick and happiness
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
