I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
