how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
How external is "for external use only"?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
