How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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