Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
