Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
