3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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