Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
