i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
