I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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