I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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