I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
