He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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