I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
