I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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