Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
