You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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