Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
