i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
