i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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