____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Buhtt sex?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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