Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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