I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
