why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
