At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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