Rock
Scissors
Fuck
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I need to calm my uterus...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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