Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
