someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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