I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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