Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
