my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Panties = found
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