You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
