it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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