girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
