i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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