i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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