I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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