So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
