I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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