I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
