Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
