u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
