i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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