Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
