So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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