woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
be right there i have to get my cape
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
