i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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