i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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