Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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