Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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